By the Light of the Moon
by Entwinedlove
Summary: What "could" have happened starting about mid-chapt. 15, of New Moon. Mostly a JacobxBella story, but the Cullen's will make an appearance. Warning: Lemons.
1. Chapter 1

What "could" have happened, starting about mid-chapter 15 of New Moon. Warning: lemons. I don't own any this stuff.

* * *

Jacob had come in from running earlier in the afternoon and was snoring next to me on the couch. All he was wearing was his cut off jeans. The television was on with the volume low and Billy was over at Charlie's house, watching the game. I listened to Jake's breathing, rhythmic and slow, as he slept beside me.

Then he shifted and his heavy arm flopped over my shoulder and effectively pinned me next to him. I didn't want to wake him; he had been patrolling so often he barely got any sleep. He was hot and I was uncomfortable. I remembered my socks were still on me feet. _That would help me cool down_, I thought. So I moved ever so slowly and peeled my socks down one at a time, and tossed them gently under the coffee table. I shifted under his arm and got comfortable again, this time closer to him; half my back pressed against his bare chest and closed my eyes. Warm and cozy I started to drift off into a light sleep.

I felt breath on the back of my neck, and I shivered awake. I felt my muscles twinge between my legs. Something was off though, _his_ breath was always cold; this breath was hot, very hot. Jacob. _Maybe he's still asleep_, I thought. Then I felt another breath, this one went from the hair at the back of my neck down to a shoulder. _So much for being asleep._ The muscles between my legs twitched again. It felt good, but I didn't want it to. I'm not supposed to think of Jacob like that.

I heard Jake take a sharp breath; he must have realized I was awake – and aroused. He shifted me just enough to put me in his lap, my back pressed firmly into his naked chest. Another hot breath on my shoulder, followed by a kiss; the place between my legs tightened again on its own. He sniffed the air again, and breathed from one shoulder, along the base of my neck to the other shoulder, then trailed back with hot kisses.

_No, no, no, no_. . . . My mind was saying but my voice cracked out an, "oh..." instead. Jacob answered it with a soft moan of his own, then nipped my earlobe and gently suckled it. The muscles in my lap tightened again and it brought my attention to the muscle underneath me, in his lap, which flexed against me. _My god, he felt huge!_ I wasn't sure if I wanted to think about that part of Jacob, but he pulled my mind back to the present when he whispered huskily into my ear, "Can I kiss you… on the lips I mean?"

I shook my head no in a barely noticeable gesture, but he noticed. I think it bothered him, that I wouldn't let him kiss me, but it didn't stop him from continuing his kisses on my shoulders, my neck, and the sensitive spots right behind my ears.

In a quick movement that reminded me all too painfully of _him_, Jake set me off his lap, turned me around, and brought me back to his lap – now facing him with my legs on either side of him, knees digging into the springs of the old sofa. Jacob trailed feather-light kisses from my forehead to my chin, skipping over my lips of course. Then he started a trail of harder, rougher kisses down my neck and shoulder. His hands had remained on my hips until now, but I felt them start to slide up my back over my shirt. He caressed my shoulders and back, giving me a massage and kisses at the same time. One hand came around and started caressing my breast, squeezing gently and kneading it through my shirt and bra. The other hand came back down to my waist and started sliding up my back again, this time under my shirt. Jake's calloused fingers glided gently up my back as he tried to unclasp my bra. He was having a little trouble but he didn't want to move his hand from my breast. He reluctantly brought his other hand to the clasp and tried to unsnap it with both hands.

"Ahem," someone coughed from behind us. We both froze; Jake glanced up and over my shoulder, his hands still on the back of my bra, with my shirt raised up. I pushed his hands away and he let them rest on my hips. I slowly turned a bit to see Charlie standing next to Billy's wheelchair at the front door. The look on Charlie's face was a mix of embarrassment, disappointment, shock, and amusement. Billy just smirked at Jacob and me.

"I think it's time to go home now, Bella," Charlie said. That's when I realized I was still straddling Jacob's lap; my eyes widened and my cheeks blazed with my embarrassment. I got up, grabbing my socks and shoes and made my way past Charlie and Billy out the front door. I stopped just outside the door, to hear Charlie before he came out.

"I'm going to have a talk with her, and there are going to be rules, Billy," I heard Charlie through the door, "and I'd appreciate it if you set rules for Jacob too. I'll call you tomorrow after I talk with her. Night Billy," I heard my dad say. _He sounds like a dad now. Rules, ugh._

"Night Charlie," I heard Billy, and I rushed to the cruiser, and slid into the front passenger seat, pretending as if I didn't hear Charlie through the door. The car ride home was silent and awkward. I figured that Charlie was trying to come up with his rules, and the anticipation was killing me.

"You're not going to like me for a while, Bella," Charlie started abruptly; startling me from the silence, "but you, and Jacob, need some rules." He paused here, as we started on our street. "One: no kissing. Two: there must be a chaperone, a responsible adult, in the same room or kept in sight at all times – Billy, Sam, Emily and myself all count as responsible adults." He paused and looked at me finally, after staring straight ahead. He shut the car off but kept the doors locked. He sighed and waited a few seconds, which felt like several minutes in the silence of the car. "You understand why I'm setting these rules, right Bella?" He looked worried and sad.

"Yeah, Dad," I said, unsure how this got to be me making him feel better, "I understand. And I'm not mad." He just nodded and unlocked the car doors. We both walked slowly and silently into the house. "Night Dad," I called as I headed straight for the bed. I wanted to stay up and think about what had happened tonight – Dad's rules, with Jacob, all of it. However, it seemed my body had a different idea and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up early probably from going to bed earlier than normal. I glanced out the blinds on my window, which stayed perpetually locked now, and spotted Charlie's cruiser still in the driveway. I should have known he was here without needing to look it was Sunday after all. I opened my door slowly and quietly made my way to the top of the stairs. I was headed to the bathroom when I heard dad on the phone.

"Yeah, Billy. Thanks for setting some rules for Jake too." After I heard the phone click, I went on into the bathroom to take a quick shower. That was my confirmation that Jake now had rules as well. I wanted to go see Jacob, to ask him what he thought we were doing, but I knew he'd probably be out patrolling. He always took the early morning shift, so he could see me in the afternoon. I missed being around him, but the pack had to pick up the patrolling since Victoria was back. It scared me to no end to realize she was back for me, because _he_ killed her mate. Did she not know that _he_ had left; that I wasn't … I closed my eyes. I didn't want to think about it now. Now I should be thinking about what Jacob and I had done to get this new set of rules.

After my shower, I walked down the stairs as Charlie was on his way up. We nodded our greetings but didn't speak. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal. Now, time to think.

I didn't like Jacob that way. No. Then why'd I let him touch me? Did I like that he touched me? Yes, I think I did. I like the way his hands and lips made me feel. My body liked it, that's for sure. I hadn't felt that aroused in a while. As long as I didn't think about it, I enjoyed what he did. The hole in my chest ached a little, but felt smaller lately. I think Jacob was helping with that. My sun, everything warm and good, calming, caring, supportive. He was the best friend any one could ask for. And I realized that he wanted to be more than a friend, but I couldn't; I'm broken, I'm more of a person than the shell I had been a few months ago, but I still wasn't whole and functioning properly, especially emotionally. Why would he want to be more than a friend? Did he see me differently than I saw myself? Probably, yes, but I still didn't feel well. Maybe if I just stopped thinking about all of this, and learned to feel again, things would work themselves out.

I had finished my bowl of cereal by then and washed it in the sink. My body knew the routine and I just followed along. I didn't want to spend time alone right now, all I would do is think, and I didn't want to think anymore.

"Dad, can I go to Emily's?" I called up to him, and hoped he'd say yes.

"Yeah, but if you meet up with Jacob, remember the rules – no kissing and stay in sight of an adult," he called back. "I'm just going to watch the game, anyway."

"Thanks, and I'll see you later tonight!"

I grabbed my keys and headed out for my noisy truck. Maybe Jacob would get back early and we could hangout again. Though we'd have to be careful to follow the rules our dads had set for us. I wonder how hard it'd be to get Sam or Emily to come to First Beach, just to keep an eye on us.


	2. Chapter 2

I pulled my truck up to Emily's house, I hope she didn't mind me just showing up. I had been so excited to get out of the house, I had forgotten to call her and ask if I could come over in the first place. She met me at the door before I had gotten out, the smile on her face welcoming me. "Hey Bella, how are you today?"

"I'm good," I said as I walked up the front steps. We embraced in a tight hug and then I followed her through the door. I figured I should go ahead and tell her about her impromptu new chaperoning job. "So," I paused, "Charlie and Billy pretty much walked in on Jacob and I making out," I blurted.

Emily's face showed amusement and shock when she looked back at me. She stifled a small laugh when she saw the smirk on my face. Then we laughed. When the giggles calmed down, I started again. "Charlie came up with rules for me. No kissing and we've got to be chaperoned at all times." I rolled my eyes and Emily looked at me with a motherly scold written on the features of her half face.

"Who did he elect to be chaperones for you two?" She asked with a slight curiosity as she turned to the kitchen counter to start making lunch for the pack.

I sighed and plopped down into a chair at the kitchen table. "Himself, Billy, Sam, and you."

"Oh," she said, "I guess I should be flattered."

"Yeah, I guess Charlie picked you and Sam because you two are the oldest of the group here. And the whole reservation looks up to Sam, so…" I quieted.

Emily giggled a little and looked over at me, "I guess we don't want to ruin anyone's reputation," she winked at me. "I'll keep an eye on you and Jacob, but I won't be watching _too_ closely, alright?" There was a smile on her face and a tinkling laugh in her voice.

"You are awesome, Emily," I told her as I got up to help her in the kitchen. We worked in a comfortable silence as we cooked the huge meal that the pack would devour within minutes of arriving.

* * *

Jared, Paul, and Sam were the first through the door for lunch. They would go on patrol when Jacob and Embry got back. The three boys slaughtered most of the lunch and all that remained for the four of us – Jake, Embry, Emily, and me – were a bit of leftovers. I'm glad I had eaten something for breakfast, since I doubted I'd get much out of what was left. After lunch, Emily and I sat around drinking a cup of coffee on the porch, mostly safe from the rain. The boys were bantering with each other about where they would head first during their patrol when I saw Jake and Embry coming out of the forest, dripping wet of course.

Jake's face lit up as he saw me on the porch with Emily. That smile that was the Jacob I remembered, carefree and happy – my sun. Embry's face looked excited too, probably because he also smelled the food waiting for them inside. Sam, Jared, and Paul came out then and greeted Jake and Embry. Sam stopped at Emily, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her passionately. They didn't speak when they broke the kiss, but stared into each other's eyes intently and then he turned and left. Emily watched with a small, sad smile and didn't turn back into the house until he was out of sight into the trees.

It hurt to watch them as always, because I felt like I was intruding into their personal moment, but the boys just ignored them. It also tugged at the edges of the hole in my chest, and I sighed heavily almost letting a sob escape, but I held it in. Jacob wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "Let's eat," he whispered into my ear. He had already started to dry off from his high body temperature by the time we sat down at the table.

Jacob and Embry talked the most at lunch, as the four of us finished off the rest of the food Emily and I had cooked up for the boys. As much as I wanted to focus on what was being said, my mind had wandered off again on its own. To Emily and Sam. To me and _him. _To me and Jacob. Did either of my relationships even compare to Emily's? I had thought so, but _he_ had called me a distraction, a game. Could I have that relationship with Jacob now? I know he wanted more, more than just being my best friend. He wanted to be my boyfriend, my lover.

I was brought from my depressing thoughts as my plate was picked up and taken to the sink by Emily. Jacob was still beside me and Embry had flopped down on the sofa for some rest. Jake was eyeing me warily, worried because I had gotten more quiet than usual.

"Can we go for a walk?" I asked both Jake and Emily, she looked over her shoulder at me from the sink, that motherly look on her face from earlier, "We'll behave, I promise." She smiled knowingly and nodded her consent.

Jacob grabbed my hand and led me out of the house, grabbing my jacket from the peg by the door on our way out. Once outside, Jacob laid my jacket over my shoulders, and grabbed my hand again. The rain had stopped sometime during lunch. We walked through the wet woods in silence; I felt lost but I'm sure Jake knew where we were.

"What are Charlie's rules?" Jake broke the silence first.

I smiled a little, "No kissing, and we have to be under adult supervision at _all_ times," I'm sure he understood my emphasis, because we both laughed aloud at that. "Did Billy give you rules too?"

"Just one – don't do anything I'll regret later."

"Humph, that doesn't seem fair. Sounds more like permission to do what you want, to me," I stated with a fake pout.

"Maybe it is," he whispered quietly at my ear; his closeness sent a shiver down my spine and a tingling between my legs.

"Jake," I stopped walking and looked up at him, "I don't know if we…I just don't think…" I closed my mouth and tried to think of what I wanted to say, seeing his face had made my mind empty itself of all thoughts. I took a deep breath and started again, "I'm broken, Jake. It wouldn't be fair to you to be in a relationship with me – I can't put all of me out there like that – I'm too broken. Parts of me are still missing."

Jacob wrapped his warm arms around me and just hugged me for a while; I hugged him back. His grip loosened just slightly and he held me. After a few more moments, he pulled me from his body and looked down at me, "Bella, you're more whole than you think. I know you feel broken, you feel vulnerable and scared." He paused and closed his eyes. He kissed the top of my head and continued, "I know you need to rebuild your trust, Bella, but can I help you rebuild it? Let me show you how much I care. Give _us_ a chance. Think about it?" He looked scared and vulnerable himself right now as he looked down at me. I smiled sadly and nodded. I hugged him tightly, my head barely reaching his chest.

We walked together again just holding hands. Emily's house came into view a little while later. I didn't know how we got back here, but I know we didn't directly double back. We stopped at my truck and Jacob leaned down to kiss my cheek. "Jake, remember the rules – no kissing," I teased.

"Those are your rules, Bella, not mine. And they don't really apply -- you said I can't kiss you on the lips, and that's the only part of your body that would actually be kissing back."

"Very clever, Mr. Black," I said as he kissed me behind the ear, his hot breath making my skin tingle. I closed my eyes and gave into the feelings Jake was causing my body. His kisses remained chaste as they roamed from behind my ear to my neck and shoulders. His large, hot hands held my waist gently, with one hand sliding ever so slowly to the small of my back, to bring me closer.

The rain started to fall again. "Want to go back to my garage or stay here at Emily's?" Jacob said as he stepped away from me and grabbed my hand again, leading me back to the front porch away from the cold rain.

"Garage," I stated as we walked through the front door.

"Hey Em, we're going to go work on my Rabbit; it's got this annoying knock and I wanted to take a look at it while I've got the time," Jake said when Emily came into the view. She was already in the kitchen working on dinner.

She looked up at us at that point, "Alright you two, but behave." We both feigned an innocent look and nodded at her. Then all three of us started laughing. "Shh, shh, you'll wake Embry," she quieted us down.

We went back out to my truck and I tossed Jacob my keys over the hood. I slid into the passenger seat as he started the truck. We drove to his house in that comfortable silence that we were so used to. When we got back to his house, he said, "you go on to the garage, let me tell Dad we're here," and he headed into the house. Once in his garage I plopped down onto the beat up old sofa bed that he'd put out here for me when I started visiting regularly. He realized that I was bored and restless and he could work on the motorcycles longer if I wasn't uncomfortable – hence the addition of the couch with a pull out bed. The bed was never pulled out though, and I doubt it had even been used since Jake got the thing. There was a small space heater packed away in a corner somewhere, in case someone wanted to nap out here, but with Jacob even in the vicinity the heater wasn't needed. Jake came out there then, and looked back at the house. Billy had pulled the blinds in the living room and was watching out the window.

"See! You can see us," Jake called out to his dad. "We're being good, just wanted to work on my car." Billy's face held a stern gaze as he nodded reluctantly and went back into the main part of the house, to do whatever it was that he had been doing.

Jake turned towards me and shook his head, laughing slightly, "He's harder to convince than Emily." I smiled and he went to work on his car, just as he had told everyone. I watched him as he crouched over to pick up a tool, the muscles of his back tight against the skin, his jean cutoffs hanging low on his hips. The sharp contrast of color between his dark, tan skin and the whitewashed, faded blue jeans made me that much more aware of how perfect he looked. My vision took in the ripped fabric, how the denim strings hung loosely over his knees, leading to his muscled calves and bare feet. The black, shiny hair that had started to grow back out after his reckless attempt to cut it himself, the thin layer of sweat that started to drip down his back when he'd lean over to look at something under the hood of his car. He was gorgeous; too real and alive even to be an airbrushed model in a magazine.

He worked on his car for hours, the two of us wrapped in our comfortable silence like a fluffy blanket on a cold winter morning. Off and on, Jake would explain what he was doing and what the name a tool was, but for the most part, we just enjoyed the quiet. After a while, it started to rain again, harder this time, so that the view from the living room window to the garage was mostly obscured. When Jacob noticed this, he stopped what he was doing and came to sit beside me on the sofa. He pulled me close to him and held me. He kissed me a few times on my shoulders, but I think he realized that I just wanted to be held today.

What remained of daylight we spent talking about random things with me in Jacob's lap. When he heard Billy call from the house, he said it was time to go home. I didn't want to. I enjoyed his company so much. Our stomachs growled in unison once we heard Billy call.

"I guess I should go home and cook dinner for Charlie," I suggested, Jake just nodded. He kissed my temple and walked me to my truck.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note - I know I take a while to write this. I tend to procrastinate, a lot. Just wanted you to know that I do plan on finishing the story even though Breaking Dawn is out now. Same with my other stories. I almost don't want to read it, because I don't want the "real" story to end. I have the book, but I'm letting everyone else in my family read it first. They just have to keep their mouth shut from spoilers.  


* * *

The days started to pass slowly. I had gotten into a routine of working at Newton's Outfitters and then heading over to Jake's house. Since the night Charlie had busted us, we'd gone a lot slower with the make out sessions. Usually the afternoons consisted of us snuggling on the sofa and watching TV. Jacob would kiss my neck, shoulders, arms, and hands. Always holding my hand and pulling me close when Billy wasn't in the room. Although Charlie had set the "chaperone at all times" rule, only he really followed it. Billy felt obligated to glare every so often, but for the most part, he'd leave us on our own.

Other days we'd head to Emily's or walk on the beach. We always "behaved" ourselves, though. Apparently, once the joy that I was dating Jacob set it for Charlie, the idea that we might have a physical relationship scared the hell out of him. I know it was just his way of protecting his little girl, but sometimes it got annoying. After about two weeks, Jacob came by the house and asked Charlie if we could go on a date, like out to dinner and a movie. I was shocked that Charlie actually said yes.

That Friday night, I was dressed in a flowing knee length skirt and ¾ sleeved shirt. Something Charlie should approve of. I was nervous though I don't know why, I'm used to spending time with Jake, but this was actually a date – something we hadn't done before. I put on a little makeup too. I was walking slowly down the stairs when I heard the knock on the door. Charlie answered the door and greeted Jake, and looked back to see if I was ready. He looked at my outfit with a critical eye, before eyeing the skirt.

"What, I couldn't get dressed up for a date?" I asked Charlie playfully.

"You could have worn pants," he said sternly. He sighed as I walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"See you later tonight, Dad," I said sweetly and walked out the door with Jacob.

Jacob just smiled and kissed me on the cheek, "You look very nice." He walked me over to the Rabbit, and opened my door for me.

"Thank you," I said quietly, for both the compliment and the chivalry. We rode towards Port Angelos in quiet comfort, the radio making enough noise for both of us.

"What movie do you want to see?" Jacob asked. I shrugged. "We'll see what's playing and decide when we get there." I was shocked when Jake pulled up in front of a steakhouse.

"Jake, this place is expensive," I waited for his reaction but he didn't seem fazed. In fact, he just smiled wider, "We're not eating here, are we?" I said, with a little more bite to my words.

"Of course we're eating here; I wouldn't have parked here and made you walk down the street to a little burger joint."

"But Jacob—"

"No buts, Bells, I've got us covered." I sighed, but I wasn't finished being upset about the cost. I'd bring up skipping the movie after dinner, after he saw the bill. Jake left his name with the hostess and joined me on the small bench in the foyer. There were a few other couples waiting as well. I tried not to fidget as we waited, the other couples talking in hushed tones.

After a few minutes, two of the couples were called because their tables were ready. Jacob and I talked quietly about how the pack was doing, and if Emily and Sam had set a date for their wedding. He asked if Mike Newton was still hitting on me at work, and of course, he was. No matter how often I'd mention Jacob, Mike would still ask me out. It was ridiculous.

"Black," the hostess called, and Jacob stood and helped me up as well. We were escorted to a booth in the back of the darkened restaurant. "Your waitress will be with you shortly," she said with a smile and turned to leave us alone. I wondered briefly how it was so different than when _he_ took me out and all the girls would openly stare at him. So far, no one had done that with Jacob.

When the waitress arrived she brought the menus and asked for our drink orders. Jacob insisted I order whatever I wanted, no matter the price. I didn't say anything, but as I made my decision, I prided myself that it wasn't the most expensive thing on the menu. He didn't quite need to know that's what had made my final decision. He ordered a large steak and extra sides. _He eats like a … werewolf_. I thought to myself. We continued to chat about all types of things while we waited for a dinner. I wanted to ask more random questions, but I kept them to myself. I didn't know if Jacob would understand that knowing the silly useless information was something I enjoyed.

This was different than normal; I felt an expectation on me with the idea of dating Jacob. When it was just us, I was comfortable and we could talk about anything or nothing and everything was fine. Yet when we were on a "date" I felt constricted – perhaps because the only dating experience I had was with _him_ and everything was so strange and different in those few months.

We made it through dinner and he didn't flinch at all when the waitress brought the bill. I was a little shocked to see the amount of green in his wallet when he opened it to pay. I just kept quiet as he stood and offered his hand to me to help me out of the booth.

"Jake, maybe we could go see a movie another night?" I suggested as we walked to his car.

He looked slightly upset for a minute, but his face showed concern, "Are you not having fun? I'm sorry; I thought you'd enjoy the whole 'date' thing."

"Oh, it's not that. I did enjoy dinner; it's just, I don't know," I stumbled over my words, "where did you get the money to pay for all this? You didn't take it out of Billy's wallet did you?"

He laughed, "No Bella, I didn't steal it from Dad. I earned it," he paused and then said a little more quietly, "and Jared gave me some." We were in the car by now but he had yet to back out of the spot. "So do you really not want to go see a movie with me?" He pouted, and stuck his bottom lip out and gave me puppy dog eyes.

I laughed, and nodded, "I'll go see a movie with you, just don't give me the puppy eyes." Jacob drove to the movie theatre and parked. We picked a scary movie and he purchased the tickets – the clerk didn't even card him even though the movie was rated R. _Probably because he looks like he's 25, not 16._

The movie was a thriller/suspense movie which made me jump in a few places. Jacob would wrap his arm around me and snuggle his head into my hair and neck. He chuckled at me the first few times, but when the heroine surprised the killer in the end, even Jacob jumped and tightened his hold on my shoulder. We left the movie theatre and drove towards home. We talked about the movie and sang along with a few songs on the radio, Jacob and his out-of-tune singing drowning out my own attempts. He pulled into my driveway and parked.

"I had a good time tonight," I whispered quietly. He smiled, "Thank you, Jake."

"Not a problem," he chuckled and leaned towards me a little, "see you tomorrow?" He looked me directly in the eyes then, I felt very exposed all of a sudden. Like he was looking into my soul, and noticing that there was something different – but the moment passed. I realized I hadn't breathed and gasped to bring more air into my lungs. I nodded to answer his question and he kissed my forehead gently. He leaned back and got out of the car. We didn't say anything, as he walked me to the door and he returned to his car to leave.

I walked in quietly, hoping Charlie was asleep on the couch. No such luck. I heard the rustling of his clothes on the couch cushions and then his footsteps as he walked into the foyer were I was still standing, waiting on him. When Charlie stopped in front of me, his eyes were skimming over my outfit and hair. Apparently when everything looked to his approval, he grunted and said, "Have a good night?"

"Yeah," I paused, wondering if he wanted the details. He raised his eyebrow, waiting, "We went to a steakhouse in Port Angeles, and then we saw the new thriller movie that's out."

He almost grinned, but then went back to his hard interrogating face, "I guess you did go on a real date then. Maybe the boy really does have a job like Billy said. I could have sworn he was just hanging out with all those boys in La Push all the time." He paused again, and then added, "Well, I'm heading up to bed. I'm going fishing with Billy tomorrow, so you'll have to hang out with Emily or Sam if you go see Jacob." I nodded and headed up to my bedroom. I changed into a tank top and sleep shorts and crawled under the covers, hoping I wouldn't have any new nightmares tonight. They had started to spread out, so I only woke up every few nights from them instead of every night.

I tried hard to focus on Jacob as I drifted into sleep, but somehow my dreams combined both Jacob and _him_. It didn't start out as a nightmare – just a lucid dream. They were arguing, and angry with one another or angry with me. Jacob had that hard expression that he learned from Sam when he was trying to get me to stop bothering him after he phased the first time. _He_ looked angry and hurt, I think, but I didn't understand why. Why would he care if I was with Jacob now, it's not like he really loved me. His anger and hurt turned into rage and he looked more like a vampire than I had ever seen him. He turned his rage from Jacob to me and stalked towards me. His normally topaz eyes were black and smoldering with hatred. I could feel the fear and terror, but my body stayed frozen in place. He reached out and was about to strangle me with one hand when I woke up, sitting straight up in the bed and panting, covered in a cold sweat. I didn't want to tempt my dream world again just right yet, so I decided to get up and wander around the house a little bit. I crawled out of bed and quietly headed down stairs. When I got to the kitchen, the microwave light read 3:42 AM. I sighed, plopped down into a chair, and laid my head on my folded arms on the table. Maybe I could doze out here in the open and not dream. I think I had started to drift back off to dream land sitting at the table when I heard a knock on the door. My eyes shot open immediately and I panicked. Did I really heard that or did I dream it? My night is starting to feel like an Edgar Allen Poe story. I heard the knock again, only slightly louder than before – but not loud enough to hear from upstairs where the bedrooms were. Whoever was knocking on my door knew I was in the kitchen. That's creepy in itself.

I took a deep breath and walked to the door. I unlocked it and peaked out. What I saw startled me, but it didn't scare me. It was Jacob, glancing at the ground and back up at me, wearing his cutoff jeans and a worried look on his face. "What are you doing here, Jake? It's 4 in the morning!" I whisper-yelled at him. I didn't wait for an answer, "and when do you sleep?"

He grinned at my second question and whispered back at me, "I sleep before my shift," he paused again, "and I heard you wake up. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I must have had a confused look on my face because he tried to explain what he meant. "I was patrolling and I heard you scream in your sleep. Then I heard the steps down to the kitchen."

Still confused, I countered with, "I thought you patrolled in the mornings?"

He laughed quietly then, "Bella, sweetheart, it is the morning," he said as if it there was nothing strange about being awake at this time.

I pulled on his hand and he came into the house. I shut the door behind us quietly; he seemed a little confused at first but followed behind me as I lead him into the living room and sat down on the couch. "Okay, how long are your patrolling shifts?"

He looked down sheepishly, "Technically, 12 hours." My eyes bugged out and he clarified, "I sleep from the time you normally leave at 10. Embry's shift starts at 10, mine starts at 2. We usually sleep in the woods, phased, just to be ready at a moment's notice. He'll crash out around 10 in the morning, and my shift ends at 2. Sam, Jared, and Paul stagger their shifts as well. We just started the schedule, but it's all written out and posted on Emily's fridge. We try to keep someone patrolling at all times, just in case we catch a scent. Haven't lately." He shrugged.

"You mean you only go on four hours a sleep a day?" He just nodded. No wonder he sometimes passes out mid-afternoon on my days over.

"As long as we don't skip a day, the schedule works pretty well."

"Why haven't you told me this before, or made me come home earlier? You need to sleep!" I said, almost yelling.

"Shhh, don't wake Charlie. He wouldn't take too well to me being here at 4 something in the morning," Jake quieted me and then answered, "I'll knock a few hours out when you're working," he grinned, "it's nothing."

We sat in the living room, for a bit, just looking at one another and not saying a word. He broke the silence first, "Want to talk about your dream?"

I shook my head. I hadn't talked about them to anyone. I wouldn't even write about them in a journal if I kept one. They were just too personal, too real, too painful.

"You should head on back to bed, though, Dad and Charlie are going fishing and they're probably going to get up soon. Plus, we'll get the house to ourselves for a few hours this afternoon."

"Charlie says we have to hang out with Emily or Sam."

"Well, Sam's patrolling around the water where they'll be fishing; his shift starts at 8. And Emily has a doctor's appointment around 3 this afternoon. So we're all alone," he brought his voice down to what sounded like a pout, but the grin at the end told me it was anything but. "Now, up to bed. I've got to get back out there," he pointed towards the door.

I don't know what made me say it, but I blurted out, "Come with me?" in a soft whisper. I hope he didn't hear it, but he nodded in acknowledgement and stood up. When I didn't stand up with him, he bent down and picked me up, carrying me in his arms up the stairs. He laid me down and pulled the covers up over me, he flopped down next to me on top of the covers. It was so familiar and different at the same time, I wanted to cry.

"I'll stay until you fall asleep, okay?" He said into my hair as he wrapped his arm over my stomach protectively. I nodded and whispered goodnight to him, and internally wept. Was Jacob replacing _him_?

Had _he_ replaced me already? I tried to hide inside my head, to stifle the pain that was starting to bubble up to the surface, that I had done a decent job of hiding while I was around Jake, but it wouldn't go back down. I focused all my energy on trying to breathe evenly, so I wouldn't start sobbing with Jacob snuggling next to me. I guess it worked, because the next thing I remember is the sunlight streaming through my window and being alone in my room with my pain.

I contemplated getting out of bed and going about my daily routine, but I remembered that Charlie wasn't home. I decided I wanted to try something, so I climbed out of bed and dropped myself into the chair in front of the ancient computer. I pressed the button and it slowly came to life. While I waited for the machine, I thought about what I was going to try. First, I wanted to do a little research. In essence, part of me died when _he_ left, and although I went into total zombie mode, I don't think I actually grieved for the loss. Once I had woken up, I'd stifled all thoughts of him by spending time with Jake. Lately, I had even stopped a lot of the reckless behavior – I hadn't heard his voice in weeks.

Once the computer and internet was available, I went to a search engine and typed the first thing that came to mind, "how to grieve" I tacked on "widow" just to specify, I didn't want to read or think about losing Renee or Charlie at the moment. I clicked the first link that came up and read the page. I went back, and checked out the next few links as well. More than once, the idea of talking about the lost loved one came up. I thought about the best person to talk to. It didn't help that he is a supernatural creature. I could try to talk to Emily, but I didn't want what I had to say about _him_ to get back to Jacob. I'm sure Emily would confide in Sam, and then Jacob would see what Emily had told him. I thought about the anonymity of the internet, but I decided against that – they trusted me with their vital secret, and I wasn't going to go back on that. The last option I came up with was to write in a journal and deal with it as the emotions hit me. I didn't want Charlie to find it though. I thought of a way to disguise it, and the idea came to me. I could use a notebook from school, and label as an English project. I'd just use middle names if I wanted to identify someone.

I shut down the computer and pulled out a spare notebook from where I'd tossed my books and put some paper in it. I sat cross-legged on my bed and just started writing. I wrote in third person about how Marie met Tony and learned his secret. I substituted a few names for people whose middle names I didn't know. Like Jacob was William after Billy. I thought it was slightly funny how _his_ name turned into a nickname while Jake's had become a full name. I wrote about how Marie and Tony had first kissed and Marie had enjoyed spending time with Tony's sister Ally. I skipped around in my story and started writing about how Marie felt after Tony died. How she spent months living on autopilot, how she couldn't even remember Thanksgiving or Christmas. I wrote a little about how Marie had delusions of Tony's voice and how she felt like she was replacing Tony with William.

It felt strange to get the words on the paper and I finally just stopped writing. My hand had cramped up sometime ago and my legs were numb from not moving. I felt relieved and almost as if a burden had been lifted once I'd started writing. Once I had actually written out the words – "replacing him." I heard a knock and the door opening downstairs. I glanced at my watch and noticed it was a little after two. I couldn't believe I had been writing for hours! I quickly stuffed the notebook in a drawer of the desk and made my way to the top of the stairs. Jake was already almost to the top when I got there, and the smile that greeted me faltered slightly.

"Did you sleep alright after I left?" He asked as he hugged me gently and kissed the top of my head. I nodded. "Did you just get up?" Jake asked as he pulled back and surveyed my outfit.

"No, I was just bumming for a bit. Where did you want to hang out at?"

Jacob's smiled grew wide at the comment, "My house, if that's okay with you?" I nodded again and went to get clothes for the day.

"I'll just be a minute," I said as I walked into the bathroom, and Jacob nodded and sat down on my bed to rest while I showered.


	4. Chapter 4

I drove my truck to Jacob's house while we chatted about how Quil was adjusting. Apparently, he phased for the first time this morning. Embry explained everything just like when Jacob first phased, and Jacob talked about how to phase back. I parked in my usual spot and got out, walking towards the garage – our normal hangout.

"Where are you going?" I heard Jacob question from behind me. I turned around and looked at him; he was standing on the front porch. I shrugged and started back up to the house.

"I just thought we were going to hang out while you tinkered with something," I said as I walked through the front door after him.

"Oh, I mean we can, but I was thinking we could watch some TV," he suggested. He flopped down on the couch and motioned for me to join him. I kicked off my shoes and tossed my jacket on the coffee table then sat down beside him. Jake instantly pulled me onto his lap and flipped the TV on with the remote. He randomly set the channel at some talk shows and turned the volume down a little.

Jacob kissed the back of my neck over my hair, and then moved my hair to the side and started kissing behind my ear and along my shoulder and collarbone. "Jake," I protested a little but he didn't stop his kisses. "Jake, stop," I said, a little more forcefully.

He stopped and pulled away enough to look at me, "Why? I thought you liked it when I kiss you," he pouted a little and looked up at me – giving me puppy dog eyes.

"I do like the kisses, but, I thought we'd talk a little instead of going straight to making out," I mumbled out, doing my best to ignore the pleading look on his face.

"But we did talk – in the truck on the way over, now I just want to shower you with kisses," he said as he went back to placing little chaste kisses along my neck and shoulder. His lips found the sweet spot behind my ear then and goose bumps went down my arms.

"Mmm," was the only sound that came out of me then. He continued his assault of kisses and soon started in with little nips and licks. He was tugging my shirt over my shoulder to get better access to my neck, but the cloth was digging into my skin on the other side. "Jake," I moaned his name, "you're strangling me, take my shirt off."

"Hmm?" he stopped and leaned back just enough to get a look at my face, and then pulled my t-shirt over my head without so much as another word. He resumed his tasting of my skin and gently laid me back onto the couch so I was under him. The pressure of his body on mine made me pay attention to my core, and the way it was starting to throb. His hands moved from my back to my sides, they paused there for a moment and then continued slowly up, caressing the sides of my breasts. That faint touch caused the heat to pool between my legs and my nipples to get hard.

Jacob's fiery fingers trailed small patterns over my bare flesh; each caress teasing and sending chills across my skin. After every caress of his hands, he'd kiss the goose bumps away. Besides the barely there touch in passing, he hadn't even come near my breasts. The anticipation to get his hands on them was excruciating. I arched my back and whimpered and he got the hint. His hands reached around me and deftly unhooked my bra. He slid it down my arms slowly and tossed it on the floor when it was completely off. His hands greedily grabbed my now free breasts and massaged them tenderly; while his hands were occupied, he delivered kisses to my neck, jaw, and behind my ear.

The feel of his hands on my skin was intense and I closed my eyes at the sensations. The way his skin felt when it touched mine felt like fire that didn't hurt, a burning that never ceased but continually increased between my legs. His mouth left mine, traveled down to the valley between my breasts to my belly, and stopped at my pants.

His hands left my breasts and started to the button on my jeans. I panicked then. "Jake," I said, though it came out like a moan. "Jake," I said more forcefully.

He paused and looked up at me, "Hmm?" but then unzipped my pants.

"Jake stop," I said again.

He stopped and pulled back enough to see my face clearly. His brows were pulled together and he looked puzzled. "Why?"

"I don't…. I umm. I'm just not ready," I forced my words out.

The grin he gave me was my first clue that he didn't understand. He brought his nose right to my core over my jeans and breathed deeply, closing his eyes. "Smells like you're ready to me," he mumbled as he started kissing the skin above my slightly exposed panties. I felt the blush creep into my cheeks with that comment.

"No Jake, stop. That's not what I meant." He paused again and a look of understanding passed over his features.

"Oh," was all he said as he zipped and re-buttoned my pants. He got up off me, picked up my bra and shirt and tossed them lightly to me. "I'll be right back," he said and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused and slightly frustrated, even though it was my fault we had stopped.

He smiled as he turned around, walking backwards towards the door down the hall. "A very cold shower," at that he disappeared into the bathroom.

I felt the blush spring to my cheeks. I caused that reaction in him. I liked that. It felt like I had some power over him, to know that I could affect him just as he could affect me. As much as I didn't really feel ready emotionally, my body was screaming at me, _why did you stop him!_ I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the TV talk shows in front of me, to calm my body down.

My thoughts wandered to Jake as a set of commercials followed the court-on-tv show. I wonder if Jacob was really taking that cold shower, or if he's alleviating his problem in a more physical way. I blushed at the thought. About that time, I heard the door to the bathroom open and he came out. He looked calm and collected, and back to his warm, happy self. I pushed the horny thoughts from my head and smiled at him. He smiled back and flopped down onto the couch beside me.

"What's going on so far?" he asked and pointed towards the TV. I filled him in on the basics and then we sat in comfortable silence as the rest of the show continued. When the show was over, Jake turned the volume down and turned to face me.

"Sorry I rushed you," he mumbled and looked down at his lap. The look of shame on his face made me feel sorry that I had stopped him almost, but the voice inside me was saying _you're not ready for that just yet_.

"I'm sorry for leading you on," I whispered, "I'm just not ready emotionally." I paused and tacked on, "I told you I was broken."

"Don't say that," he whispered back harshly. "You are not broken. You're heart is just a little bruised. I should have known better, it's just I get carried away sometimes."

I didn't want to sulk anymore so I attempted a bit of humor, "How did you learn to unhook a bra that fast?"

"Sam," he stated; a look of confusion must have settled on my face because when he looked up he amended shaking his head and pointing to his temple with his hand, "In Sam's memories, I mean."

I nodded. "Want to go out and tinker on something?" I asked hesitantly. He just looked up from his lap with a smile.

"Sure," he said and jumped up from his spot on the couch. I clicked the button on the remote, turning the TV off and followed him outside. We spent the last day of spring break chatting and tinkering in his garage until Emily called to let us know she was back from her appointment and to come over so we wouldn't be caught without a chaperone.

Late that evening when I drove home to cook dinner for Charlie and me, I debated with myself about whether I should write about this in my pseudo-story. I concluded that yes, I should probably tackle this problem and writing it out seemed to relieve the weight that was burdening my shoulders about replacing _him_. Not that I could say his name yet. I was scared that it would still hurt, that the hole in my chest would force itself to rip apart again. Scared the stitches that Jacob had hastily sown me up with wouldn't hold the dam of emotion that was sure to come if I thought about him directly.

I grilled some salmon from a previous day's catch and stewed some veggies to go with it. During dinner, Charlie asked if we'd ever tinker with the truck instead of Jacob's Rabbit. I said no, because then I wouldn't have a ride back and forth and he just nodded. I'm glad he didn't go in the garage that often, otherwise he would have spotted the motorcycles that we had been tinkering on rather than Jake's car. Charlie would no doubt flip if he knew I had been riding a motorcycle.

After dinner, I froze the newly cleaned catch that Charlie had brought home, and headed up to bed early. Once I was sure I heard snores coming from downstairs, I pulled the notebook out of my desk and started writing.

I wrote about the pain and fear Marie had about opening herself up to someone else. Marie wanted to give herself completely over. Isn't that what living is about? Taking that giant leap of faith and stepping out? I wrote about how William was interested in taking things father with Marie, how Marie had stopped him and felt bad. Maybe if Marie did go through with it, things would work out.

_Don't women get those fuzzy feelings for a person once they've shared their bed with them? Isn't that something she learned in sex-ed in Phoenix? That women get that fuzzy, "I love you" feeling from sex and men don't, and authority figures don't want the girls to get hurt – so they use that "he'll break your heart because he doesn't feel the same way" message to try to keep the girls from having sex in the first place. Not that it really helped in Phoenix, but the message was there. She didn't know if it was scientific fact or not._

_Maybe if she did, then she'd be more attached. More in "like," because she didn't believe she was really in love. Not like before. Never like that again. This could work. Marie just has to go with it. Her body felt ready enough._

After going back and rereading that last half a page, I realized it shouldn't really be included in the "story," rather it was more like a journal entry. So I tore that page out and stuffed it into the back of the notebook, hopefully hidden from prying eyes, not like anyone would be here snooping anyway.

I continued to write about how Marie missed Tony and his family. She might be getting better about the fact that they left her after Tony "died." I wrote about the idea that the family couldn't handle their own grief about losing her too. Because once Tony died, all she was, was a memory. There was no place for her within their group now.

I finally put the notebook away and got ready for bed. School started back up tomorrow and I'd rather have some sleep to prepare myself. I'd been the most non-zombie like since September, and I was waiting on the onslaught of comments from the likes of Jessica, Lauren, and the others. Maybe Angela would stay nearby to keep me company.

That night as I was unsuccessfully sleeping, I had this strange feeling that I was being watched. Or looked after. It was a strange sensation, but I wrote it off to the fact that Jacob was patrolling around my house lately. Though in the more conscious part of my mind, I knew he wasn't out there yet, as it was only about midnight. I tried to shrug the feeling off and fell into an uneasy sleep.

I awoke to the sound of my alarm beeping. I jolted straight up in the bed. Apparently the uneasy feeling I had been having last night had lingered. I shut the alarm off quickly and shuffled out of bed to take a shower and grab some breakfast before school. Charlie had already gone to work from the looks of things and I was alone in my thoughts this morning.

I cranked my truck, the sound of its engine roaring to life as usual. The drive to school was much too short for my liking but soon I felt like school things were back in full swing. Tests were being scheduled and books assigned. I wondered if I'd be more able to concentrate now that I was fully awake and aware as opposed to my zombie state. My grades had definitely shifted during that time. English and comprehension courses, like psychology had gone down, but the mindless numb repetitive work of my math class, the grade had actually improved. Probably because I wasn't over thinking the problems, and I was doing more work than assigned because I'd just continue past where the assignment stopped because I wasn't paying attention.

After a few meaningless comments from the popular crowd, I was left to myself for lunch. My last class passed swiftly and I was driving home before I knew it. Only two more months of high school, I could get through it if it goes as quickly as today did. I had this nagging feeling that something was missing, or that I was missing something important. Something I just couldn't figure out. Maybe it had to do with Quil phasing for the first time yesterday.

When I got home, Jacob was waiting on the front porch for me. He wasn't smiling. In fact he looked horrible. I parked and jumped out of the truck and ran to his side, almost tripping and falling in a puddle on the way.

"Jake, what's wrong?" He looked up and his eyes were bloodshot, and he just shook his head.

"Lots of things are going wrong today, it seems," he spoke quietly. "Can we go inside first?" I nodded and picked the key swiftly from my key ring. Unlocking the door, I tossed my stuff on the floor by the door and grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him inside. I wouldn't be able to move him if he wanted, but he followed me to the living room.

"What's going on Jacob?" I implored.

"Where do I start?" he asked the question rhetorically, but I answered anyway.

"The beginning usually helps."

A tiny huff and smile appeared at the small joke, but his face returned to its grimace soon after. "Quil phased yesterday, because we caught a vampire's scent. It was familiar."

"Victoria?"

He shook his head, "No, one of the Cullen's," he muttered and swallowed hard. I whimpered a little at his admission, but he continued before I could muster the courage to question which one. "Today, we caught Victoria's scent not far from the coast. She tried breaking through to you by coming in from the ocean." Her presence caused two more wolves to phase for the first time. Seth and Leah Clearwater," He paused here, waiting for what he'd said to sink in.

"Wait, Leah? I thought only boys phased?" I asked the question he wanted me to.

"We did too. Harry Clearwater is on the council, he knows all the legends, but the idea of both his children phasing – including his daughter was too much for him. He had a heart attack because of it." Jacob swallowed hard again. "Harry died today," he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Oh God," were the only words to fall out of my mouth at that. Harry was Charlie and Billy's best friend. Poor Sue was left to take care of two hot tempered new wolves. I jumped up at that thought and headed to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Jacob said with confusion laced through his voice.

"I'm going to make some food to take to Sue and the kids. I know everyone else might too, but she's going to be too distraught to cook," I said in a rush, "and wolves eat a lot." I was standing by the pantry at this point and Jacob came round the door and pulled me up into a large, but gentle hug.

"You're so compassionate," he kissed the top of my head as he set me down on my feet again, "thank you," he whispered into my hair. We stayed like that for a long moment, and he broke the silence first, "can I rest a bit on your couch while you cook?" I smiled up at him.

"Of course, Jake," I hugged him tightly and then let go. He went into the living room and I heard the cushions rustle and the springs squeak as he flopped down onto the couch.

I decided on what to cook for the Clearwater's, and whoever else may be at their house supporting the family during this hard time in their lives. Green bean casserole, tuna salad, homemade macaroni and cheese, and vegetable soup. I couldn't think of anything else that wouldn't take hours to cook at a different temperature than what I'd already have in the oven. About two hours later, I supposed the aroma of the menu woke Jake because he staggered into the room sniffing noticeably. I smiled from my spot in front of the stove when he came in and he looked at me with an apology in his eyes.

"No apologies for the nap, I needed time to cook anyway." I stated to quiet him before he started, "But I'll need some help taking this down to the Clearwater home, want a ride? I noticed you didn't have a car. I figured you ran as a wolf." He smiled and nodded, realizing that I didn't need him to speak. He hugged me tightly and waited for instructions as I started packing up the food I'd made into Tupperware. I found a large plastic bag from the Thriftway, settled all the food containers inside, and handed it to Jacob.

"Wow, you cooked all this while I was asleep?" He looked a little stunned.

"Yep, but don't tip the bag, there's soup in there too." Jacob chuckled then for a moment as we headed out to my truck. "What's so funny?"

"You cook like Emily, like you're cooking for a werewolf or two. I liked the thought of you cooking for us, I guess."

I noticed the hint, and warned, "Careful, or I'll recruit you to kitchen duty to help me."

He smiled then and joked, "If you do, you won't really ever serve anything. I'll end up eating it while we're cooking."

I giggled at his joke and started the truck. As I pulled onto the road that lead to La Push, I could have sworn I saw a black Mercedes stop and turn around in my rearview mirror, headed the opposite way. I wanted to question Jake about which Cullen was here, but I kept it to myself. I'd ask another time.


End file.
